The Six Pillars of Friendship

“People are at their most generous, funniest, and most fascinating when talking with and about their friends.”   J.Beck.

I have written numerous times about friendships and the infinite ways friendship shapes our lives. I have said more times than I remember, “I would not be the woman I am today had it not been for my friends.”  The foundations of a friendship tell the story of intimacy and longevity. As friends, we talk and joke, usually in a shared short-hand that only comes with history.

A couple of years ago, I read an article that discussed how to develop and maintain friendships. This prompted me to think about what my criteria are. Though every bond evolves in its own way, there are pillars that help form friendships and maintain them. Those pillars, for me, are…

Time 

Most friendships are formed over time – time spent together, perhaps at work, school, groups, etc. Over time, you become familiar with one another and decide if you will invest more of yourself in exploring a new friendship. Not much different than a blind date that you think might have potential.

I was new to California in my early twenties and had a great job booking recording sessions for the who’s who of jazz and rock and roll. The secretary to a well-known producer and group would call me daily regarding the recording sessions. We would chat about our lives before moving on to business. And one day, she asked if I wanted to meet for dinner and then go on to a BB King session at another studio. Of course, I said yes. And here we are 50+ years later, still best friends.

Not all friendships survive the test of time. Most of us have been there when the blush of a new or established friendship begins to tarnish. And we move on. This is when our instincts kick in, and we go with our gut. It might also come with age and discernment. An essential element of time is whether you have enough in reserve for a new friend or maintaining a long-distant friendship—a good question for all of us to ponder.

Attention

Paying attention. Or, as my yoga instructor asks, “Are you present?” Attention plays a significant role in being open to unexpected encounters. Do you notice and acknowledge when you connect with someone new? It helps if you step out of your norm and into the moment. I have a lifelong saying… “I am open to whatever comes my way.”  And I am so grateful for all that has come my way!

My husband and I moved to a foreign country a few years ago, leaving behind a core group of friends we had held close for years. Fortunately, we moved to a smaller city with many opportunities to meet new people. We were inundated with invites to dinners and parties by a wide assortment of people. Over time we coined a phrase – catch and release. This amply described the revolving door of friendships that were coming our way. 

Today, years later, we have amazing friends. We have those we see on regular bases and those we see less frequently but enjoy immensely when together. In the beginning, we were strangers in a new land, and through the “kindness of strangers,” we settled into our new life and are so grateful to all we have met. We’ve been fortunate on so many levels in our new land.

Intention

It seems that attention requires action and intention. When an opportunity arises, get yourself out there, which requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to let things be awkward.

Most friendships require a bit of courtship, just like that blind date I mentioned above. Even when they are new and unexpected or a long-time friend, the friendship won’t grow or continue without intention. It takes energy and thought, and with our busy lives already spread thin, our effort must be intentional. Friendships take work. Showing up for our friends takes effort, but it shouldn’t be drudgery. It should be a joy.

Shared Values

Shared values act as a glue that binds friends together. I first read about shared values from futurist Faith Popcorn. https://faithpopcorn.com/trendblog/articles/marketing-to-cult-brands/

While you don’t have to agree on everything, having core beliefs and principles in common helps foster a more profound understanding and connection.  Trust is the cornerstone of a solid and enduring friendship. Trust is earned over time through honesty and integrity.

Creating lasting, heartfelt memories by sharing experiences, activities, and confidences strengthens the bond between friends and helps to create a unique, long-lasting connection. 

Friendship is a dynamic and evolving process that requires effort, commitment, and trust from both sides. By cultivating the principles of respect and upholding shared values, you can nurture friendships that will last a lifetime—bringing immense joy and support to your life and the lives of your friends.

Imagination

Society has a pigeonhole for friendships, and it is on the sidelines. Friendship is usually regulated to a supporting role to the significant placeholders of work, family, and romance. I remember telling a friend that I had to cancel our dinner for the second time in a row. Something had come up with the family. She was upset about being set aside again, and I told her, “Family will always trump my plans.” And yes, it harmed our friendship. We finally made our way back to each other. It was hurtful to her and a wake-up call for me and my level of, or lack of, sensitivity. It takes imagination to design your life so that friendship plays the role you want it to.

The beauty and the challenge of friendship is its diversity. A friendship can be whatever you want it to be. Each one is a creative project whose only limit is our imagination.

GRACE

Grace. The word touches my soul. It resonates deeper than my heart. It touches the essence of who I wish to be. It’s a nourishing word that propels me, at times, to unfamiliar depths of thought. Upon my return to the surface of my day-to-day…I have my friends. Those dear souls stand on and deserve their pedestals for their undeniable commitment to friendship.

A few of these friends I have not seen in years. Friendship doesn’t have to be about presence. It is also about a love that can weather absence. 

I’m planning a fall trip to New York City to visit such a friend. We became friends in the back seat of a NYC taxi well over thirty years ago. We have seen each other in those thirty years – maybe a few dozen times. And now, we have not seen each other in eighteen years! We talk every week. She is my soul sister and confidant extraordinaire. 

In closing, Grace, to me, is the final and most influential pillar in friendships. It represents the forgiveness we offer each other when we fall short of expectations. It provides the space in which to find and create connections and reconnections. These three, when combined, are nothing short of miraculous.